Caregiver Makes a Point to Dear Abby

Dear Abby Column a Touching Reminder

In the May 22, 2011, “Dear Abby” column, an older man wrote in to talk about being a caregiver for his wife of 50 years, who now has dementia.  He is able to hire someone to stay with her for just one afternoon a week so that he can shop for groceries, do their banking and run all their other errands.  The other 6-5/6 days of the week, he is there for her.  The writer made it clear that he loves his wife and wants to care for her.  He isn’t complaining.

The point he made is that he needs some time off just to do the little normal things in life.  He shared that he had cried after the family holiday gift exchange because he had no opportunity to go out and buy a gift for his wife.  After 50 happy years together, he was unable to give her a Christmas gift.  While his love and caring are gifts every day, the gesture was important to him. 

The writer’s hope is that people who see his letter will remember to offer their time to caregivers.   The vague “let me know if I can help” phrase that we too often offer an overwhelmed caregiver carries little weight.  We need to offer substantive help whenever we can.  For example, “May I cook dinner for you two on Wednesdays, bring it over, share it with you and then clean up?  May I do your laundry for you?  I’m going to the store today; what can I pick up for you?  May I drive you two to the doctor this week?”  Perhaps the most important gift might be to ask, “May I stay with Mom/Nancy on Sunday?  I would enjoy spending some time with her.  You might like to get out to see friends/take a long walk/go to church/play a round of golf/go to a movie with your grandson/go shopping, etc.”  Free time for a caregiver is priceless.

We all mean well when we offer help to caregiving family and friends.  A vague offer, however, forces them to ask us for help, to guess what we might be willing to do and when.  How much better it would be to offer specific services we know are needed, suggest a time in the next week when we can help, and then turn up with a smiling face to do what we promised.  If the caregiver in your life is long distance, you might hire a service (at your expense) to do what you would do if only you could be there in person.

Caregiving can be a long and exhausting journey.  Caregivers too often die before their care recipients because of the arduous nature of their duties.  If we want to help, we have to show up, actually do something, and keep on doing it as long as the need is there.  We’ll gain more than we can ever give by being generous with our time and affection. 

Today we may have the opportunity to help a caregiver and care recipient.  Tomorrow we may be either one.

Dee Bergan/E-Senior Services/AIM Mediation